What's a fundamentalist whackjob to do?

It must be tough to be a batshit crazy fundie in Florida as the state legislature session limps to a close this week. Three fundie-supported bills are either dead or dying. Couldn't happen to a better bunch of lunatics, if you ask me.

First, the vomitous abortion restriction bill, which would require women seeking to terminate their pregnancy either to view an ultrasound image of the fetus or to affirmatively decline the viewing, is stalled and might not even come to a vote in the Senate, despite the assurances of Senate majority leader Daniel Webster (R-Orlando).

Several Senate leaders said they would prefer not to take up such a divisive issue in the last week of session, and in an election year.

About a half-dozen moderate Republicans and most Democrats oppose the bill; a few conservative Democrats and most Republicans support it. Two key players have been Sen. Mandy Dawson, D-Fort Lauderdale, who is frequently absent, and incoming Senate President Jeff Atwater, R-Palm Beach Gardens, who faces a tough re-election this fall from a former Democratic senator.

Opponents thought late Monday they had the majority, but the bill’s sponsor, Sen. Dan Webster, R-Orlando -- who describes himself as pro-life -- brought the matter up for initial questions and debate Tuesday morning. A vote could come as soon as Wednesday.

Meanwhile, the equally vomitous evolution education bill, the pet bill of Sen. Ronda Storms (R-Valrico), the Most Insane State Legislator of All Time (MISLAT), passed the House but is going to run out of time in the Senate. Even Gov. Crist seems to be taking special note of this one:

With the bill on life support, Republican Gov. Charlie Crist appeared unlikely to bridge the divide between the chambers. Crist surprised reporters during a two-hour debate Monday with a rare visit to the House press gallery. He was asked if he believed in evolution.

"I believe in a lot of things," Crist said. "We should have the freedom to have a good exchange of ideas."

But is legislation needed to guarantee that exchange? "I'm not so sure," Crist said.

Say what you will about Charlie, but you just know that this bullshit bill would be a slam dunk if Jeb! were in charge ...

Oh, and remember Ronda's looney counterpart in the House, Rep. Alan Hays (R-Umatilla)? Get a load of this crap:

House Republicans, however, agreed with Rep. Alan Hays, R-Umatilla, who insisted the theory of evolution "has holes in it."

"No one has any record - no fossils have been found, no eyewitnesses have seen any species in transition from one to another," said Hays, the House sponsor.

Wow. That's some powerful stupid right there. Florida's not going to be second to any other state for deniers of scientific fact, that's for damn sure.

Finally, the "I BELIEVE" license plate deservedly crashed and burned yesterday, despite Sen. Storms' unbelievably moronic objection to its omission from the new plate legislation.

Opponents of the plate said approval - whose proposed design included a Christian cross, a stained-glass window and the words "I Believe" - would have almost certainly faced a court challenge.

The bill's Senate sponsor said Monday, however, that the chamber's rejection of the plate could also generate a lawsuit. Florida already has over 100 different license plates and by allowing the designs the state has created a "public forum," said Sen. Ronda Storms, R-Valrico.

Public forum? Oh, give me a fucking break.

Sen. Storms, a 1995 graduate of Stetson University College of Law (where I worked long ago), obviously didn't learn much about constitutional law there. While courts still are debating the issue, the idea that Florida has opened license plates up to be a public forum, limited or otherwise, is just ludicrous. There's no viewpoint discrimination going on here, Ronda. Please take your Bible and your insanity and let the grown-ups make the decisions, okay?

And while you're at it, take Hays and the rest of the batshit crazy fundies with you. It might get there kicking and screaming the whole way, but there's finally a scintilla of hope that Florida might be dragged into the 21st Century eventually after all.